The Red Rag

School Jokes




High School VS College


25. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study. 

24. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.

23. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.

22. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide.

21. In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.

20. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends. 19. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.

18. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.)

17. In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.

16. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.

15. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.

14. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.

13. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down.

12. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.

11. In college, weekends start on Thursday.

10. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.

9. Once you've obtained the information described in #10, it's much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."

8. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.

7. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.

6. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.

5. College men are cuter than high school boys.

4. College women are legal.

3. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need a note from your parents saying you were skip... uh, sick that day.

2. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.

1. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.



Freshman VS Senior

Freshman:
Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors
Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night

Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class

The prayer said before finals

Now I Lay Me
Down to Study,
I Pray the Lord I
Won't Go Nutty.

If I Should Fail to
Learn this Junk,
I Pray the Lord
I Will Not Flunk.

But If I Do,
Don't Pity Me at All,
Just Lay My Bones
In the Study Hall.

Tell My Prof
I Did My Best,
Then Pile My
Books upon My Chest.

Now I Lay Me
Down to Rest,
And Pray I'll Pass
Tomorrow's Test.

If I Should Die Before I Wake,
That's One less Test I'll Have to Take.


HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

 

An old man decides to go to his high school's 50 year reunion. He hasn't seen anyone since their 25 year reunion and is very interested to see who might show up. When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down at a table and talk about the past 25 years.

"How have you been?" he asks.

"Just fine, just fine," she replies. "Although I do have some good news and bad news for you."

"Bad news first please."

"Well, I had to have a hysterectomy a few years back."

"Oh, that's terrible," he says. "What's the good news?"

She says, "The doctor found your old high school ring you thought lost."



Practical Jokes at High School


Take one science class, one Bunsen burner, a coin (preferably a largish denomination) and a pair of heat resistant tongs.
Insert coin into tongs.
Hold coin over Bunsen burner.
When hot, toss into crowded hallway jut as the student are exiting class.
Consider yourself either very clever, or a complete jerk.
Whatever.

Take one English class, one set of appropriate video tapes (something like Roots), one set of top-notch XXX rated pornography and the school video editing suite.
Using the master copies of the very boring tapes, insert a moment or two of high-class pornography every 10 minutes or so.
Teacher generally isn't watching said tapes as they've seen them a million times before, so you can get away with this pretty easily.
Hilarity ensues when every class from then on wants to start studying Roots.
(Pun fully intended).
 

Take one set of boys bathrooms and a shifting spanner.
Loosen the fittings on the urinals, just so the water will spray everywhere, but won't actually fall apart.
Wait outside the toilet block.
Every kid who went in, comes out with 'urine splash' and the piss is taken out of them for the rest of the term.

One classroom, one set of chairs and a very large supply of super glue (not what you think).
Grab said chairs and turn them over.
Apply liberal amounts of super glue to the feet.
Place said chairs back under the table and hold them firmly in place.
Enter said classroom the following morning and express disgust at the juvenile behavior of some students.

One teacher (whose sexuality may be under suspicion), one hand written note.
Said note should contain a message like:
'Hey, Sweetie! We had a great time together. Call me!' along with the telephone number of a guy at the local university.
Best result is achieved when this is constantly undertaken, you can watch, but not be seen.

One PA system, one set of 'announcements' and one ditzy bursar.
Grab one of the standard announcements (best results can be achieved with the local Christian groups announcements).
Change said announcement to contain the usual glurge, but end it with the phrase 'Be there or go to hell'.
Watch for the faces of members of said Christian group and when spotted, inform them that jokes about hell aren't funny and they will burn for eternity for uttering such blasphemy.

 



You think your high school was tough?


My high school was so tough that when the teacher asked what comes at the end of a sentence, three guys answered, "You appeal." 


School Work

A little blond girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blond?"

"Yes darling, it's because you're blond."

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ! It's good "innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"

"Yes darling it's because you're blond.

Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36 D's at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 25."


Discussing Grades

A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.

"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks. They're all wet."

"What do you mean `all wet?'"

"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."




TOP 10 REASONS BASKETBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX...

10. BALL MOVEMENT IS KEY

9. YOU CAN SET IT UP OR GO FOR THE FASTBREAK

8. IF YOU NEED A BREAK, YOU CAN CALL A 20 SECOND TIMEOUT

7. THERE IS A COACH TELLING YOU WHEN TO "TAKE IT TO THE HOLE"

6. BEING DOUBLE-TEAMED IS COMMON

5. YOU CAN PASS IT OFF, SO YOUR BUDDY CAN SCORE

4. IF SCOUTS LIKE YOUR PERFORMANCE, YOU TURN PRO

3. YOU KNOW YOU ARE DONE WHEN THE HORN SOUNDS

2. YOU ALWAYS TRY TO SCORE WITHIN 24 SECONDS

1. THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE WITH A TOWEL TO CLEAN UP ANY WET SPOTS




TOP 10 REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX...

10. YOU GO IN 1-2 MINUTE SHIFTS

9. THE PUCK IS ALWAYS HARD

8. THE PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT IS REUSABLE

7. IT LASTS A FULL HOUR

6. YOU KNOW YOU ARE FINISHED WHEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS

5. YOUR PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE

4. A 2 ON 1 OR 3 ON 1 IS NOT UNCOMMON

3. IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY

2. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK

1. PERIODS ONLY LAST 20 MINUTES



10 things in golf that sound dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.



Teachers vs. Educators


According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC, recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, The girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.